Life Regrets and Horrible Decisions

The title might seem like it's going to be an extremely deep entry, but here's some hint: this entry is NOT about me not saying "I love you" to my significant other and then losing them, and it's NOT about me making bad, thrilling decisions to piss of my parents, no. This entry is about the journey of my self-improvement. You know, a couple things that I regret doing and NOT doing in the past to improve myself. Without further ado.

1) I learned to play the piano when I was in grade school, but I was lazy. And as time goes my mother saw that I wasn't intense playing it as if I weren't the slightest bit interested, so she decided to cut off my piano lesson and at that moment, I was thrilled. I was happy not having to play the goddamned piano ever again. But as I grow up I realized I should've kept playing the piano. Music isn't really my thing, you know, but damn I should've kept playing the piano. It's the one thing that I'm not exactly passionate about, but want to be able to do.

2) I wrote a bunch of fiction back in the day, like when I was in Grade 4-6. After I was introduced to "internet" in middle school, things kind of took a wrong turn and I stopped writing just like that, because hey, Facebook is one hell of an exciting activity. My father was always the one to encourage me to write, but I stopped. I should've never stopped writing. Now that I'm 19 and struggling to write fiction, or hardly anything, because ideas never seem to approach me, I think back of when I could write fiction without worrying that ideas might run out. Those days were awesome. I didn't write for anyone. I wrote for myself. I was even embarrassed if my parents read my script, but I was happy. I liked to write. I still do, but these days the excuses are overpowering me. I wish I had never stopped writing.

3) I took badminton training when I was in middle school. I gave it up because I don't feel comfortable with the training ground, the coach, and the friends. I regret that with every piece of my heart. I'm not and have never been someone who gave up just because I don't like my surroundings, so I don't know why I gave up my badminton training. I wasn't THAT great at playing badminton, but I was okay. I'm not the best in training, but I'm also not the worst. My highlight point is that I LOVE the game, so I'm a bit lost as to why I decided to quit badminton. It was probably one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my life. My mother believed that I might be good at it. She thought it could be something that I could work on for my life, but I proved her wrong. I guess at that moment all I want was for my mother to quit forcing me to do stuffs, but now I wish she had forced me to continue. I was okay at playing badminton, and I came to a realization that I could be GOOD at it. Had I not quit.

Those are only examples of my, I guess you could call it, a bad habit. There are more stories of similar nature. I get bored easily. It's a bit hard for me to develop interests. It's hard to maintain my level of interest towards something. I could be very much excited about one thing and ended up hating it to the guts. And then regretting that I gave it up. The way I see it, it's almost like a deadly cycle. It was in my early years of high school that I start to realize, this is a bad habit. I thought, "I cannot keep doing this. I will never have anything to work on if I keep this up. But the more I think of it, the more I'm lost as to what my real interest is. As for now, I'm trying to write as much as possible as means to figure out what I love, and it almost felt like I'm walking on a path of heated rocks. I DON'T WANT TO QUIT, because I know I'll regret it.

It's always easier to learn from someone else's experience, so you don't have to sense the awful taste of failure and disappointment, so for people younger than me or facing the same problems please hear me out. It's okay to feel bored, lose interest, and feel like you're not meant to do whatever it is you're doing, but DO NOT QUIT. Quitting will only adds to the list of the things you failed doing, and we don't want a long list of that. So keep working on your interest and simply don't quit.

P.S. : I feel like I've talked too much of myself, so the next entry will NOT be about me and my endless deep dark fears.